Thursday, February 24, 2011


So, I hadn't planned to post today - still reveling in my 50 pounds and being sore from a new workout I discovered - more on that later.  But, I read a great post on PriorFatGirl today. 

As many of you know I originally started this blog to document my time with the girls and then life got in the way and I let it go.  When I started my healthiness journey I was doing a lot of reading on the web and found some very cool blogs that were very inspirational.  I was compelled to start writing again.  This blog has been and will always be for me - I don't write here to be famous or to inspire people or to compare myself with anyone else.  I write here because it's a healthy outlet for me on the days I don't know whats happening in my head, on the days I want to celebrate and on the days I want to give up.  What I have found by doing all of that has been an amazing support system of people that are part of my "real life" and from people who are part of my online circle (some of which I have met in real life as well).  I could not be happier with the reaction I have gotten from my writing - it pushes me, it reminds me that people are watching and holds me accountable. 

Today on Jen's blog she has a guest post from another very inspirational blogger.   It was a great day for a reminder of why we all do this.  If you have a few minutes this post is worth a read - even not knowing all of the back story - it's a story of inspiration and what a community/bond that those on this healthiness journey can form.  Take a moment if you are so inclined and click this link and enjoy! 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Weigh in day!  I lost 2.2 pounds this week which brings me to a total of 50.4 pounds lost!  Yes, you read that right, I have lost 50 pounds!!!  I can hardly believe it!  This has been an unbelievable 22 weeks - the changes I have made mentally and physically are here to stay and I am happy about that.  I definitely have days that are harder than others, days when working out is not real high on my list, but being able to say that I have lost this weight and continue to make healthy decisions is the absolute best part. 

The other day I was walking through Eden Prairie Center with Rob and the girls, I glanced over to the left and did a double take.  There in the reflection of a store window was my profile, my new profile - I barely recognized myself!  My heart, my mind is all still definitely me - just happier and healthier.  But this new body - this body that I have chosen to take care of and fuel in the appropriate way is definitely different!  I have a spring in my step, I look forward to getting down on the floor with my girls and playing, and I have a smile on my face - more often than not.  Often you will hear people say that when they lose weight they are only making physical changes - I would tend to disagree.  This journey, thus far, has actually been more mental than physical.  I had to do a lot of re-learning and re-training of my brain.  This mental part will be part of my journey forever - always staying aware of what I am putting in my body and making the best decisions for me.  As one of my favorite bloggers says ( it's "One bite at a time, one decision at a time".  I wear my pink bracelet with this phrase on it every day - it's such a great reminder, every time I reach for something it's a visual reminder.  It makes me pause and think - "am I really hungry, do I really need it or do I just want it?". 

I still have some more weight that I would like to lose but I am so close I can taste it!  And once I get there I really look forward to staying there and making all of these changes a permanent way of life.  I look forward to continuing the active and healthy lifestyle with my daughters and husband. 

I would like to take a moment to send out a big thank you to all of my family and friends that have supported me through this first 50 pounds!  Every single person that reads here, reads on FB and has sent me good thoughts and congrats - your support means so much and has been key to my success.  Knowing that sharing my journey with all of you may have inspired just one other person to get up off the couch or to put down the french fries - makes all of this so worth it! 

Be healthy and happy my friends - it's a great club to be a part of!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Bad Food Relationship

So, last Wednesday at my weekly Weight Watchers meeting there was a woman who just recently got to a milestone (forgive me I don't recall what it was).  Our leader did what she always does in that situation - she asked her to tell the room what was working and how she was feeling.  She said that it had been a long road - this was her third time on the program and she was essentially back to lose the same weight she had lost previously.  She said one thing that struck me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since - she said that "she knows she will always have a bad relationship with food, so it will always be a struggle."  And my leader seemed to agree with her assessment. 

So, here's what is making me think - is it really necessary to ALWAYS have a bad relationship with food.  Is that a relationship that is not possible to be repaired?  I guess I was under the impression that what I have been doing since September was repairing my relationship with food.  I realize that many of us will get to a point in our journey when we are in control of our food and it no longer has control over us - but to me that seems like a victory and has repaired how you see food and how you let it control you, right?  I get that I will probably always have to stay away from certain foods because I can't "eat just one" but to me that does not negate all of the other work I have done to make my food intake healthy and beneficial to my body. 

It really got me thinking - are you able to completely repair your relationship with food or will it always be bad, just under more control than it was before?  I guess I am still not sure, but I like to think I will win this battle and that all of the learning I am doing about what food can do for me will prevail! 

The other reason this struck me was that I had a conversation with some folks the other night about a young girl with a severe eating disorder.  She is anorexic and has a scarily low BMI but not quite low enough to require her to stay in an inpatient treatment clinic.  Her parents seem like they may be a bit in denial, the girl thinks she can take care of this with outpatient treatment and her friends are scared to death that she is not going to be okay.  That is the definition of a bad relationship with food, this girl is an athlete and she is destroying her body - and she was not heavy to begin with.  It breaks my heart to hear stories like this because I fear that there is so much pressure around these young girls today to look a certain way and the only thing that they can really control is their food - how much they do or do not eat.  I pray for this young girl, her parents, and her friends, and people that care about her - I pray that they can get through to her before its too late.  I pray that she can win her battle against her bad relationship with food.  I don't know her personally but it makes me sad to know that she is struggling so much. 

It's far from profound but this is what has been rolling around in my brain this week.  Does it always have to be bad once it's been bad?  Are we really ever able to WIN or do we just call it a draw? 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'm Still Here!

It has been a wild and crazy week - well, not so much wild, but pretty busy!  It's tough to get wild when you have two kids, 3 and under! 
I had a another good weigh in this week - lost 1.4 - total lost goes to 48.2!  So, I am really hoping I can reach that 50 mark next week - we'll see, I have been averaging about 1-1.6 each week so it might be pushing it - but I'd like to get close!  It still boggles my mind that I have lost almost 50 pounds! 

I have had some great workouts since my last post about lacking motivation.  My running program is going really well.  I have even stepped up what I was "supposed" to be doing just to see what I was capable of.  One day last week I didn't have much time to get out running so I just put my shoes on went - I was only supposed to do 5 minutes run/1 minute walk for 25 minutes - instead I decided at the 5 minute mark to just keep going and see how long I lasted.  I ran for 13 minutes without taking a walk break and got in 1.25 miles.  And it felt pretty good.  The next run I went out and did a 10 minute run before I took a one minute walk break, and then did another 6 minute run before heading back in so Rob could go to work.  I am definitely still building up my endurance but it feels good.  Yesterday at our running clinic I was able to go out with the 5K ladies (they have already done the Learn to Run class and have already run a 5K) on their workout.  I went 10 minute run/1minute walk/10 minute run/1 minute walk/10 minute run/1 minute walk - yes, you read that correctly I completed their workout with them and didn't have to stop and pass out!  I was so happy and it felt so great to be able to keep up with them and finish.  I still have a ways to go to actually complete a 5K run but I am feeling more and more like I am actually capable of doing it!  It was a great way to start a busy Saturday! 

Rob and I helped my brother and sister-in-law move out of their rental house yesterday.  It was cold but we worked fast and got them to a spot in their move that they could handle the rest by themselves!  They just needed me around for my massive muscles!  Haha! 

I had the opportunity to go to dinner last night at Chino Latino in Uptown with some wonderful friends.  Our friend just turned 30 this week and we had to celebrate!  I have been to Chino but have never actually eaten there - wow!  The food was amazing and for dessert we all shared the Mango Spice Cake - it was so awesome!  It was a great night of conversation and laughs! 

Today we went to my Rob's sister's house to celebrate our oldest niece's birthday!  She is one of my most favorite kids - she is so smart, beautiful and caring - she is so great with both of my girls!  I have loved being around to watch her grow up thus far and can't wait to see the kind of teenager/young adult she turns in to - she is just fabulous! 

I have another post brewing in my head - it was spurred by a comment from one of my fellow WW members at our meeting this past week and then a conversation I had with some people on Wednesday night.  I am hoping to get it formulated on "paper" tonight or sometime tomorrow.  I think it's an interesting but "hot" topic! 

I hope you all are hunkered down with this snow storm we are supposed to be getting - so far its not real impressive - sort of hoping that all of the meteorologists were wrong! 

Be well and take care!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Struggling to Sweat

First, I want to take an opportunity to thank all of you that read and/or commented on my last post.  It was a post that I had written in my head so many times but never had the strength or courage to actually publish it!  I have focused so much on the "number" for so many years it was very liberating to just get it out there and move on.  So, thank you for indulging me, I probably won't make a point to continue to say "today I weigh XXX pounds" - you will have to do the math!  :)  I am honestly hoping that this will help me not be so focused on the "number" and just be able to focus on being healthy and happy! 

On to other business - yesterday was weigh in day!  I lost 1.2 pounds this week, bringing total pounds lost to 46.8.  It's slow and steady which I guess is a good thing right?  They say the slower you lose it the better the chances of keeping it off, I am trying really hard to believe "they"! 

This week has been a rough one for me personally - lots going on around me and finding it hard to find my focus and stay motivated.  My workouts have really taken a beating this week.  I am struggling with getting up in the morning before work to get them in (not sleeping well) and am exhausted at night and struggling with getting them in then.  I haven't completely ditched them but there have been several times this week when I have made the decision that I am not the most proud of.  I tend to be pretty hard on myself when it comes to this kind of stuff and I am really trying to ease up but its tough.  My head knows what I need to do so now I just need to make sure my heart is listening too! 

So, I am proclaiming it here to all of you - I am going to do better, I am going to make the time for myself this week.  I am going to work out and feel the burn - not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to! 

Have a great week friends!  Be well!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Who's that girl?

I have attempted to write this post several times.  I feel like I have reached a point in my journey when I need to open up and be completely honest with you and myself.  When I was at my heaviest I never discussed my weight - like the actual number, to ANYONE.  I didn't feel like it was any one's business and what did it really matter anyway.  I have always been surrounded by smaller people - people who have never struggled with weight and having to admit how out of control my weight was not an option for me - then.  Now that I have taken off a substantial portion of that weight I am starting to get more comfortable with discussing my weight and the size of my clothing with other people.  Not all people, but with some. 

I read a lot of blogs - most of which are people who are on weight loss journeys.  One of the things that I have always really liked about the people that I read is their openness and transparency.  Most of these people are forthcoming with their starting weights and the weight they are currently at and where they want to end up.  I have thought about this concept from the day I started writing about this journey.  I should share my weight, I should tell people where I started from so they can really grasp what is going on with me.  But then I tell myself that it really shouldn't matter if people know the "number".  I have been thinking about this a lot lately - about why I don't want people to know what I used to weigh and I know what it is that is keeping me from saying it out loud - EMBARRASSMENT.  Pure and simple.  I am embarrassed that I let myself go and gain that weight, I put myself in this position.  I should never have put myself in the position to have to lose over 60 pounds to get back to a healthy weight.   The compliments and encouragement I am receiving now is so great and I really thrive on it, it keeps me going.  But, it shouldn't be necessary, right?  I shouldn't have to lose 65 pounds.  People shouldn't have to tell me how proud they are of me, how great I look NOW, or how inspiring I am.  I really wish I would have come to all of these realizations long ago but the fact is I didn't.  I am here now though, I am here with more clarity about what I want and what I need to do to get it than ever before! 

So, today I am going to reveal the "number" - I am going to get the monkey off my back and move forward with this journey. 

Sept 11 2010 - 232 pounds

February 2011 - 186 pounds

There is obviously a difference between the two people in these pictures.  The one on the right is wearing a real smile and is genuinely happy, that girl on the left was smiling on the outside but miserable on the inside.  The changes I have made over the last several months have changed everything about me - inside and out.  I look at the world differently and value my place in it more than ever before!  And I now feel liberated from the "number" and ready to continue on with the journey. 

Thank you to each and everyone of you that has supported me on this journey.  And thank you to every person that I have turned to for inspiration - I value all of you each and every day and you are critical to the success I have had and will continue to have. 

So, here's to losing those last 20 pounds and maintaining this healthy lifestyle I have created!  Phew!  That feels good!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

When do you know....

that enough is enough?  I asked a friend this week if losing 18-20 more pounds (which would get me to what I think my desired weight is) would be enough?  Her response to me was unexpected but made me think.  She asked me if I was going to be able to stop losing weight.  Of course, my immediate reaction was - "of course I will be able to stop, my body will make me stop", and I firmly believe that.   As the day went on and I thought more and more about the question - it occurred to me that maybe when I get to that "goal" weight I may not be satisfied, maybe I will want to lose more.  Will that be a problem, will I take it too far, will being "thin" and healthy be so appealing I won't be able to stop myself.  I think that I am mentally aware enough to know when I have reached my goal, my ending point and will be comfortable there and will stop.  But, it is an interesting subject and I am actually really glad my friend brought it up because I am now more mentally aware of the possibility. 
The main goal of this journey for me is to be healthy.  My mind and my body are talking to each other and I think that is the most important part. 

Have you ever gotten to a point in your healthiness journey when you wondered if enough would be enough???  Do you worry that you will take it to an extreme?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I like to move it, move it!

It's that time of the week again - I really have had intentions to write more during the week but I just haven't been inspired and don't want to write just anything!  I read so many good blogs and I know what I like to read and I don't want to post, just to post! 

First things first, I lost 1.4 pounds at weigh in this week.  That loss brings my total to an official 45.6 pounds - I broke through the 45 pound mark today.  It was a great meeting - if you are not familiar with how WW works I will explain a little bit.  It can resemble a kindergarten classroom sometimes - today was one of those days!  At the beginning of the meeting our leader always announces milestones - today we had a woman that reached her lifetime status (at goal for 6 weeks) so she got a new charm for her WW key chain and we all clapped, my friend Missy is at her goal weight and got a star charm for her WW key chain, and we all clapped.  They each had a chance to tell the group what worked for them.  They both talked about sticking with it and acknowledging how hard it is but that you can do it!  They also give out cute little star stickers for every 5 pounds you lose (see kindergarten, and I love it!)- I earned another one of those this week so I was given that in front of the group and was asked what was working for me.  My first answer was "everything right now" - and honestly I feel like that is true.  Is this process difficult? Absolutely! Is it worth it? Absolutely!  Since the WW program changed I have noticed that I am eating much differently than I used to - I seek out ways to eat less processed food and more natural/real food.  Am I perfect in this mission - hardly, but its always at the forefront of my mind and I call that a victory.  Is this switch in mind set making me lose weight? I am certain it is playing a part.  I also have made a commitment to MOVE - that is what has to happen in order to lose this weight.  I could eat nothing but fruits and vegetables for the rest of my life - but if I am still sitting on my couch all day - does it really matter? 

I was an athlete in high school and college - so to say I expect a lot of myself when it comes to physical activity would be an understatement.  I have felt my inner athlete coming back to life over the last couple of months and I really like that feeling.  I feel the drive to be better every day and that was really lacking from my mind and heart for a long time.  I think often when we get busy and find that our priorities are spread out we go in to survival mode - I was stuck in survival mode for a long time.  I have decided I don't want to just survive anymore - I want to THRIVE!  I want to make a difference every day, I want to make good decisions and feel good about what I have put in my body and the energy I have spent. 

This past weekend my company had its "holiday party" and it was held at the Walker Art Center.  Fortunately I work with one of my best friends so this was a great excuse to get sitters and go out on the town with our hubbies!  We grabbed an app and some drinks at Granite City before heading to Mpls.  We took a picture to commemorate the occasion - aren't we cute!

We got to the Walker, had some cocktails, the guys ate some food and we danced - just a little bit!  After the party we headed to Hopkins for a friends' birthday party at Tuttle's.  We had a GREAT time!  The four of us have not been out together - without our adorable daughters - in quite some time and we made up for lost time!  I don't think there is anything better than spending quality time with your friends and reminding yourself that you are still a fun, interesting person, that also happens to be a busy parent!  

Missy and I also had a successful run on Saturday morning.  This running thing is going pretty well, dare I say that I am liking it??  I will say, running is a great way to burn fat and I am confident that running will be the key to me losing my last 20 pounds and keeping it off!  We are about 5.5 weeks from the 5K we are running - we'll be ready!

So, for me, activity is key.  I am not going to make lifelong changes by being sitting still.  I am really interested in joining a gym - not a fancy gym, but one of the less frills but open whenever I want to go types.  I am leaning toward one because of the proximity to my home and work but I would be interested if anyone had a thought on one versus the other. 

Have a great week friends!  Get moving!