Thursday, July 7, 2011

It Ain't Easy...

So, I have been thinking lately that I need to talk more about the tough stuff.  Then, this week a couple of blogs that I read actually had similar topics so I took it as a sign that I needed to get this all out of my head and just hit publish already!

If you have been reading my blog since I joined Weight Watchers and started losing weight you may have the wrong impression about my weight loss journey.  I have lost 70 pounds.  I have lost 70 pounds in 9 months.  It was the longest 9 months of my life.  Yes, even longer than the 9 months that I was pregnant with both of my girls.  I think I have given a false impression that this journey wasn't so bad.  I wrote a lot about the successes I was having but not as much about the bad days and the struggles that I have had.  I guess I think part of the reason for that was I didn't really want to admit the bad days and the struggles - so if I didn't write about them they didn't exist, that's logical right?  Or I just wanted to focus on the good stuff and celebrate and be happy!

So here it is - a list of a few of the things that I learned/feared over the last nine months.  Some of it is fluff but some of this is very real to me and still nags at me today.  Even today, at a comfortable weight I struggle. 

  • I want to eat candy.  I don't care that I know its bad for me.  I like it and I want to eat it.  So I do.  Not every day, but probably more than I should.
  • I don't always want to make the "right" decisions.  Some days I would like to say "screw the PointsPlus system" I just want to have a piece of pizza and not worry about it.  And I have. 
  • I drink Diet Mountain Dew.  Every day.  I have cut back to one a day.  Sometimes two if it's a bad day.  I like my Diet Mtn Dew and I don't think I want to quit having it.  I have not made a final decision on this one yet.  (I drink a ton of water as well - just an FYI!)
  • I feel guilty.  A lot.  I feel guilty when I leave my house (and kids, husband) to go running.  I have started running in the early AM and that has helped because I am not missing out on as much family time.  But, the nagging guilt of taking time away from family to get my running/work out in is always there. 
  • I wonder and question myself a lot about whether or not I can maintain this lifestyle.  I want to, but I doubt myself more than I like to admit. 
  • I often feel like people are judging me.  Even when ordering a sandwich at Subway, I have this weird sense that people are judging what I pick to eat.  I don't know why I think that, but I do. 
  • I like frozen yogurt.  No, I LOVE frozen yogurt.  And I eat it a couple of times a week.  And sometimes I have a larger portion than the stated portion size on the container.  And I even throw a few chocolate chips on it on occasion.
  • I get irritated knowing that I will always have to watch what I eat and will always have to exercise to keep my weight normal.  Knowing I will never be able to "eat whatever I want" sucks - even though many of the foods that fall in to that category aren't things I like to eat anymore anyway.  Irrational, yes I know.
  • I still see the old me in the mirror staring back at me all of the time.  She is a constant reminder of what I let myself get to. But, some days she is also a motivator to make sure I never go back there.  I guess it depends on where my head is at that day. 
  • I am afraid of failing.  I am scared that one day I will wake up and I will be overweight again.  I am afraid that my 3.5 year old won't be able to say "my momma is healthy and a runner" anymore.  Seriously, she says that, makes me so proud.
I think I will do another post some day soon that is the opposite of that list.  Because even though I have fears and I struggle - the positives are far greater on a daily basis.  But, the point here is this.  I am human, I eat healthful food (most of the time) but I do enjoy a cup of frozen yogurt (Garden Salsa Sunchips, Swedish Fish, cookie, you name it) every once in awhile.  I also like getting out in the morning and logging some running miles.  And a nice rest day is also a welcome occurrence.  I guess that is what they call balance, huh!  I am starting to figure this stuff out but I also have days when I feel like I have learned nothing.  Fortunately, I am able to snap out of it most of the time and remember what I am fighting for. 

Do you have those days?  You know the ones where you know exactly what you need to do but you just don't care?  What do you do to steer the ship in the right direction?  How do you remind yourself that it's worth it, that YOU are worth it? 

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