Monday, February 7, 2011

Who's that girl?

I have attempted to write this post several times.  I feel like I have reached a point in my journey when I need to open up and be completely honest with you and myself.  When I was at my heaviest I never discussed my weight - like the actual number, to ANYONE.  I didn't feel like it was any one's business and what did it really matter anyway.  I have always been surrounded by smaller people - people who have never struggled with weight and having to admit how out of control my weight was not an option for me - then.  Now that I have taken off a substantial portion of that weight I am starting to get more comfortable with discussing my weight and the size of my clothing with other people.  Not all people, but with some. 

I read a lot of blogs - most of which are people who are on weight loss journeys.  One of the things that I have always really liked about the people that I read is their openness and transparency.  Most of these people are forthcoming with their starting weights and the weight they are currently at and where they want to end up.  I have thought about this concept from the day I started writing about this journey.  I should share my weight, I should tell people where I started from so they can really grasp what is going on with me.  But then I tell myself that it really shouldn't matter if people know the "number".  I have been thinking about this a lot lately - about why I don't want people to know what I used to weigh and I know what it is that is keeping me from saying it out loud - EMBARRASSMENT.  Pure and simple.  I am embarrassed that I let myself go and gain that weight, I put myself in this position.  I should never have put myself in the position to have to lose over 60 pounds to get back to a healthy weight.   The compliments and encouragement I am receiving now is so great and I really thrive on it, it keeps me going.  But, it shouldn't be necessary, right?  I shouldn't have to lose 65 pounds.  People shouldn't have to tell me how proud they are of me, how great I look NOW, or how inspiring I am.  I really wish I would have come to all of these realizations long ago but the fact is I didn't.  I am here now though, I am here with more clarity about what I want and what I need to do to get it than ever before! 

So, today I am going to reveal the "number" - I am going to get the monkey off my back and move forward with this journey. 

Sept 11 2010 - 232 pounds

February 2011 - 186 pounds

There is obviously a difference between the two people in these pictures.  The one on the right is wearing a real smile and is genuinely happy, that girl on the left was smiling on the outside but miserable on the inside.  The changes I have made over the last several months have changed everything about me - inside and out.  I look at the world differently and value my place in it more than ever before!  And I now feel liberated from the "number" and ready to continue on with the journey. 

Thank you to each and everyone of you that has supported me on this journey.  And thank you to every person that I have turned to for inspiration - I value all of you each and every day and you are critical to the success I have had and will continue to have. 

So, here's to losing those last 20 pounds and maintaining this healthy lifestyle I have created!  Phew!  That feels good!


Jessica said...

Wow! You look great!

Ann said...

Congrats on the loss, lady. Great job! You should know that we will continue to read your blog and support you - regardless of if you tell the "actual number" or not. But if it's helped you move forward, then it's a positive step in the right direction for YOU and YOUR JOURNEY. Keep up the awesome work!!

Lynne said...

Jen I am crying after reading your blog. I did not realize how torn apart inside you were and I pray that through all of these past 10 years of knowing you, that you know how much we value you as Jen - no matter what your weight. You are smart, hard-working, compassionate, considerate, kind, loving...we love you.

Lisa said...

you look so beautiful!

Kari Loft said...

Wow! Your transformation is amazing!!! And that is such a cute dress!! Don't you love clothes that show off your body rather than hiding it behind oversized sweatshirts?
I remember in college, all we would wear were big sweatpants and sweatshirts. Now I don't go out in public in either because when I wear them, I feel fat.
As for workouts, you will do them the rest of your life and so if mornings are tough, find another time and let your husband be on kid or supper duty. I know, easier to say than to do. Keep it up! You look great!